~confused~

I am confused. I don't know what to do. Today I am really discusted with nursing all together. I don't think I like it. Well honestly I know I don't like it but I try so hard to like it just because I don't know what else to do. I know that everyone I know expects me to become a nurse. I want to be happy I just don't know what to do. I don't like conforming to everything so far I have had to remove my earrings which were not unprofessional because I didn't have anything wild. I have had to cut my hair short which I haven't done for years. I don't want a profession where I have to change everything about myself, worry constantly if I am going to look at someone wrong or say something wrong to where I get fired, sued, or my nursing license taken away because people are sue happy and nursing students are constantly watched as if people are waiting on us to screw up just to tell us to fuck off. I think it makes their day to see us go through hell and damnit I would love to tell them to kiss my ass because they are NOT better than me. I need some help. Are these feelings normal? Am I just being a normal 2o year old having trouble changing myself for a profession? I don't know what to do I am unhappy with this

test results, uniforms, and bitches

I made a 92 on BOTH of my test wahooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo I am so happy I worked for those two As. Today I feel such a relief because I have an afternoon to relax, and I have a new beginning. This past test I got behind in my 2 classes so when it came time for the tests I was really damn stressed. This time I am planning to not get that way. I want to do better this time. I don't want to have to do 10 thousand things the day before the test and stress over not knowing this stuff as good as I would want to. Not to sound like a slacker but I put in a LOT of studying whether I do it a little at a time over days or 1-2 FULL days of studying...my point is I want to get better at doing a little every day. My friends are always aggrivated well not aggrivated they just always bring it to my attention that I make around 10 points higher than them on tests. I don't like that. I work for my grades and if they worked as much as me they could have those 10 points to! Maybe I should say something to them...what do you think, should I say something???
I got my uniform this week. The sizes I tried on and ORDERED were smaller than what they sent me. I am pissed because my uniforms are at least TWO sizes too BIG ughhhhhhhhh I am pissed because they have my shoes back ordered too and didn't bother to even tell me ahead of time so that I could buy some more before those came in...bitches I don't like that company at all. Why would my uniform be so damn big when I tried on the same sizes and they are not supposed to srink any. I am afraid they are going to say something to me about it in clinicals because my top is down to my knees and you can see my boobs through the arms if I lift my arms up so that will be fucking great having patients looking at my tits when I'm working

I hate this fucking shit

Someone just fucking shoot me now

1st test

My head feels like someone beat me with a fucking bat...throbbing PAIN! I should take something but I don't like taking medicine.

So my first test I made a 92 on wahooooooo go me It was easier than I thought it was going to be but then again it was only the first test. I know people who have taken this one class before and they say everyone does good on the first test and the second it almost impossible to pass. That just makes me feel like so good.

I have so much damn reading to do that I keep putting off. I have a test in my other class on Tuesday and I haven't did any reading for it so that should be fun. I have about 10 chapters to read this week so much fucking fun I can't wait to start. I am really starting to hate this I really am and it scares me. In skills lab today I was thinking about how much I was starting to hate it, but when I was practicing the stuff I liked it. I think it is just the shit they put us through getting ready to take the NCLEX which I think is bullshit because they say they are teaching us stuff that hasn't been used for over 50 years but we have to know how to do it...THAT is what I hate all the stupid shit we have to know when they are telling us we will never use it and this stuff is 90% of what they talk about what is up with that... between having to make up holidays and the countless times they schedule shit for us on our days off I am really starting to not like them at all

I am going to go get motivated maybe...I think a night laying on the couch not doing shit sounds pretty damn good so tonight isn't looking too productive but I don't give a damn

2 more days

My first test is on Monday so that means my brain is now mush. As I am writing this my brain is telling me to slow the fuck down and sleep. Once again WHAT IN THE HELL HAVE I GOTTEN MYSELF INTO?!?!?

I knew it was going to be hard but holy shit someone should have warned me on the 98154804153486405 pages to read for EACH test and the fact that they throw shit in for the hell of it as in days we are supposed to have off oh hell no they will come up with some kind of shit to make us have to be there

Even with all of the bitching I do I still like it because:

1. This is what I have a passion for
2. I don't want to give up
3. I refuse to give up
4. I won't give up
5. It isn't supposed to be easy
6. I have a good support team and wonderful teachers
7. I love it
8. I want to succeed
9. It is not very hard it is just making me have more discipline in my life and discipline is something I need more of
10. I am almost finished only 3 more semesters wahooooooo

I am going to do this I have faith in myself

~4 months to go~

S0o0o I am not so good at posting on a regular basis...I am going to work on this really I am...I promise! I made it through the first two weeks! OMG it is pretty hard. I have TONS of reading to do and when I say tons I mean hundreds of pages for each class. I am not a fan of reading so this isn't too nice. So far I have kept up and read EVERYthing. We have about 10 books for two classes. In our reading each book I notice I am reading the SAME EXACT THING in EVERY book!!!!! I wonder if someone just decided to cheat and say what the hell I will just change two words from this book and call this my own shit and make tons of money at broke ass students expense. Do these professors think we are so stupid that we need to read things ten thousand times to understand things...maybe so...some of the people will scare me if they ever pass this program. I would tell them to get the hell out of my room if they ever came in to be my nurse...I really hope they get better.
I spend about 8 hours in class on one day and 3 another...then 7 another day. Any other time I have goes to reading. This poses an issue for me. It takes all of my time to read the books. I am not sure what to do about studying. I don't know what to do because I can't just the pull time out of my ass, and I need at least a few hours to sleep or I am not a happy person.
Even though it is SO much work and hard I enjoy nursing. I don't think I have realized how close I am to actually being an RN working somewhere helping people...*thinks* I can imagine what it is going to feel like going in to work that first day...seeing my first patient...and feeling such a joy knowing I am helping them. I hope my first day is as enjoyable and rewarding as I hope it is going to feel.