~2006~

Graduated college
passed the nclex
got my first real job
my grandfather passed away
A good and a horrible year all at the same time

~rough times~

I haven't written in quite a while now. I have had some things to work through personally and actually I haven't been able to write about it until now. For almost two months I have had a very close relative in my hospital. For about 3 weeks he was on my unit. This person was in with no life threatening problem it was just a simple infection which led to amputation of one leg. It was a comfort having this person on my unit and even in the hospital I felt so close to them although when they were on my unit I did not visit as often as I should have. Part of me did not want to always associate this room with them after they left IF something bad should have ever happened during that stay. Needless to say everyone I worked with became close to this relative and treated them as if it was their own family which I am ever so grateful for. This relative went home and stayed home for about a month and did exceptionally well. He was the healthiest I have seen him in years. Then one day he woke up a little unresponsive. After being in the ER all day he was finally admitted to my unit. He was even talking at this point and was perfically normal you couldn't even tell anything had happened. Throughout the night he took a turn for the worse. He coded a record number of times and eventually did not make it. He passed away on my floor something that I am having a hard time dealing with. Hearing a Code blue which is something that usually never makes me think twice I just work it and don't have anything emotional attached to it, but that night knowing it was MY relative they were working on oh it made my heart ache. This all happened two weeks ago and the past three days were my first days back. I have to say it was very hard. I think of him often and when I do get him out of my mind at work someone will come up to me to tell me how hard they worked on him trying to save him or to just tell me they were sorry for my loss. I have to say the first two nights back I had two very busy patients and it kept my mind off of it. I know he would want me to continue my job and continue helping people he was very proud of me and what I do. I don't want to let him down but right now it is so hard. Having to revisit that very spot where I had the worst night of my life is hard it is hard to not associate it with him. The very thing I did not want to happen happened. I tried to stay away when he was on my floor so I would not have those memories and now when Im not busy I get a flash of a memory and it kills me.
My question is has anyone ever dealt with this before and if so how did you work through it???

~mental breakdown here I come~

I didn't understand why a fellow coworker one day told me she used to go home and cry everyday after work that is until now. I swear I don't want to go into work tonight I feel like I am going to explode and start crying if I don't have an easy night. I am off orientation now and my first night off last night was a complete and utter hell, a night I never wish to redo. I understand all about the breakdowns she had now because I am already on my way to one or two or three. I have more to share but I have to go to work before Im late :( I can't even sleep at ALL anymore because of work and this fucking sucks I hate it please tell me it gets better

~an ordinary day~

The morning started out pretty routine, all patients still breathing with pulses. The thing about my unit is that things can go bad quickly, very quickly. A patient that seems completly healthy making you wonder what in the world are they in the hospital for can go flatline in two seconds flat. It just happens that fast on our unit. This is my world I come to expect it besides that is what they are on our floor for, they have the potential to go bad and some chose to do just that. Luckily since I have been working the patients who have decided to teiter on the edge haven't been officially my patients so I haven't been the one to discover such things I just help out in the emergency. That is up until two days ago. Once again all patients were perfically fine, one 5 days post open heart, one only one day post op, and one with just CHF. Now if I were to suspect one to go bad at any point I would pick the one day post op. That wasn't the case. I casually walk into CHF room to just peek around make sure everything was still fine low and behold the patient is blue...Im talking papa smurf blue. From what I'm told I handled the situation very well as I didn't freak the hell out and come screaming for everyone. I did get help from the other nurses, respiratory and a few others but I did it in a way to not scare the other patients to death at the same time which Im told doesn't happen too often. The one thing I love about my unit is the telemetry. I do have a fear of walking into a patients room and them be dead, but my little friend lets me know they do have a heartbeat so no surprizes well unless ofcourse the leads fall off but thats what alarms are for. So lesson learned a day that seems so ordinary can do a 180 all before your eyes, send your head spinning, and make you wonder what in the hell just happened and how it go that way in a matter of seconds.

~Work Work Work~

Question: Does it always happen that when you get comfortable at work something will happen to throw you off and prove to yourself that you really don't have a reason to be feeling all comfy and all???

Work is going pretty good, this is my last week on day shift then I switch over to 7pm-7am wahoo yeah that isn't all that exciting. I have gotten used to all of the day shift people as far as being good friends now and working really good together and now I am supposed to start over with new people who I have only seen maybe five minutes a day, but I guess I have already been in this situation once and turned out making lots of friends so its all good.

In other bigger news I come off of orientation next week!?!?!?! Holy shit how did that happen?????? I am coming off orientation about 6 weeks ahead of schedule and I am not sure how I feel about that. I think that is where my question comes in...I feel pretty comfy at work as far as time management assessments and my skills are concerned...I think if anything happened I could handle it except for one thing and this thing is pretty big...I do work on a cardiac floor and when it comes to someone coming in needing critical drips I haven't gotten ANY experience starting or titrating them. I have handled getting them up from the pharmacy because for some reason the pharmacy thinks its ok to take their time when someone's heart rate is up to about 200 to get us the drips so I can handle getting it but for starting and titrating I would be totally winging it trying to figure out what the hell I am doing. There are always more than one nurse on a floor...but...what if something else is going on and nobody is available to help??? Im not sure what I think about this issue because with everything else I feel comfortable with. I guess I should feel great about my coworkers and nurse manager thinking I am ready to come off of orientation this early, I am the only new nurse out of four others coming off early :)

So I prepared a little for night shift today. I went out and bought an ipod! I am going to start to try and stay up all night a few nights before my first night shift starts. Any advice for the transition to night shift from days???

~updates~

Its been a long time since I have posted here but it has been so busy I haven't had any time at all. So first of all about a month ago I took the NCLEX a week before I had originally scheduled to take it so I basically did no studying at all and still PASSED!!! That was one of the most stressful situations I have ever been though and I am so glad I dont ever have to go through that again. I am now working at a local hospital in the cardiac unit which seems to be going pretty good so far. I have been thrown to the wolves and its basically a sink or swim situation. I would like to think I have been at least keeping my head above water and doing pretty good so far lol
Working as an actual RN is so much different from clinicals in school. Sometimes I want to tell the techs who come to ask me things I dont know that it feels like I dont know much more than them lol It seems like I have learned so many things since working that at times it feels so overwhelming but I can say from seeing another new graduate just starting orientation and remembering how those first few days were I can say I think I have come pretty far.

~Big news~

I haven't wrote anything in awhile now. I haven't forgotten I have just had so much other things going on to where honestly I have been too tired. I started my new job about two weeks ago...Im working in the cardiac department of the ICU. So far so good it is really interesting. I have found out something and that is I don't always look to the patient's as they are scared to death. When I stop and think about how I would feel to get a heart cath and some stents done I would be a nervous wreck and believe me some patients do a good job covering up their being scared to death. This one patient was totally ok with everything was acting completly normal during preop measures and when I happen to step into the room they were crying extremly bad. I guess with me running around trying to get down the routine I forgot to think about what actually was going on for them mentally! I'm glad I caught onto that now sooner than later so I can start addressing that. It just goes to show what we can lookover when we are just learning having so many things going on at once. It was like a lightbulb went off in my head when I was dumbfounded as to why the patient was upset then it was a duh!!! moment when I slowed down and realized the hospital and procedures are not a normal routine for them as it is for me. I scheduled my NCLEX testing date for June 15th!!! I haven't had much time to study with work but I need to get on that because the testing date is right around the corner. I think I should have taken a little time off before work to have had a little time to myself and time to study. I didn't realize all of the preemployment measures would take about two weeks in itself.
As far as work goes it is totally different than clinicals. I can say for most of the time I actually enjoy going to work...so far it has only been those third and fourth 12 hour shift in a row where I dread going in. It is strange to actually be referred to as a real nurse and not just a student. Patients and even family of patients look to you for so much more because now they expect you to know all the answers
So far all in all it is great I seem to have so much more confidence because I know I can do it and if I can't do something at the moment I can surly find out and learn how to do it for next time!